I challenged the default settings of my love life to become conscious of what is actually important for me and how much I’m willing to stand up for the important elements.
I found out that up till that point I had many unspecific expectations to love and a partner. These expectations had the effect that I didn’t know what I was looking for, so I was never quite satisfied but unable to pinpoint why. I changed that when I defined the three areas that are important to me: talking about all sorts of topics with a partner, a fun and varied sexlife and solving the practical details of an everyday life without conflict.
After that point I was able to meet men in a different manner since I could clearly signal what I was looking for, and they could answer if they were interested.
I tried the model with three men for 1,5 years. Then I fell in love with the handyman. We were together for a couple of years. Then I went back to the model for almost a year. And then I stopped dating for a while to evaluate my experiences.
By challenging my default settings for love I was able to fill a relationship with me instead of filling it with expectations. I also knew that these areas were indeed important to me so I should not compromise on them hoping that they would materialize later. This last trait was something I had done previously quite a lot. But my three men model made me realize that somehow things never developed later, so more conscious dating was needed.
After my evaluation I started dating again looking for one partner since I was longing for a deep emotional relationship with one person. I told myself before each date to hold on to my three points and not to plunge into the romantic dreams of having met my soul mate just because we smiled at each other simultaneously.
Conscious dating felt really good. The 10th guy I dated and I hit it off right from I stepped into the café. Once again I told myself to hold on to my three points and not to fall for him just like that. I asked him direct questions about his previous life and he answered me honestly also when he told about previous partners and things he was not so proud of. After our lunch we went for a walk – and kissed. The following weeks we both fell in love and four months later we moved in together and a year later we married.
If you are not satisfied with your love life, I urge you to challenge your own default settings for romance and love and to become conscious of what you expect from love. Be very specific about the 3 areas that are most important to you, and do take some time to define it properly. Then you are ready to use them as a measurement stick when dating or to improve your relationship.
You must know what you want in order to know when you’ve found it.